OK, so I am not going to harp on this, but the conversation about boundaries (like my last post, “Do Not Touch“) has been stirring a lot this week in other areas of conversation with colleagues throughout the country. And I have to say, I am shocked. I am shocked by the numbers of clergy (male and female included) who seem to believe that people aren’t being wrong or violating the person when they touch you or when they make comments about your appearance, etc…that this just goes with being a pastor. One commenter particularly said that if we seek to prevent or stop these act of touching and speaking we may jeopardize the relationship.
My friends, no one…NO ONE deserves to be approached by anyone and touched or commented on body, appearance, etc…without invitation or a clear and intimate relationship that pays attention to context of touch or conversation. A parishoner should not be let off “scott free” if they are making comments about a pastor’s weight, make-up, appearance; or if they are touching the pastor’s stomach (pregnant or not), backside, chest, face, etc… All of these are violations of personal space and personhood and the longer we accept them as “normal” or “harmless” the longer we perpetuate in society that a person is all about the physical, and a person’s body is not their own.
Earlier today I had a conversation with a young mom who was telling me that she struggled with people touching her belly when she was pregnant, but that she struggles even more with people touching her 6 month old child, commenting on the child’s appearance or her appearance, or critiquing her and her partner’s parenting decisions (like cloth or disposable diapers, breastfeeding or not, crib or co-sleeping.) In listening to her and watching her get more anxious as she shared experiences it just affirmed for me the need for us to speak up for ourselves, our boundaries, and our personal decisions.
Yes, if I look like I am tired or I am sick comments like, “Are you ok?” or “You look a bit flush.” are fine. Comments like “nice shoes” or “that’s a great color on you” are ok (as long as you are making the same comments on a regular basis to my male colleague). But comments like, “You’ve put on a few pounds, maybe you shouldn’t eat that.” or “That shirt really accentuates your curves.” or “Are you pregnant, you look pregnant.” are not appropriate and should be responded to pointing out the boundary crossing and correcting it. If we aren’t able to engage conversation without the ability to care for and protect oneself, then the conversation is not healthy and does not help to lay expectations for relationships and cultural and social patterns in our lives.
So, I’ll leave it there. I still stand by my convictions that no one has permission to touch my body or offer physical or sexualy laden commentary without my direct permission. I will respect that space for you, and I ask you to do the same for me and all other people who come to know.
Pastoring Momma 